We Don't Do Such Things In London or Paris II

More things to miss about Dubai:

1. The way the perennially corporate nature of women’s bathrooms will include a couple of over-tanned nineteen year olds from Birmingham, an astonishingly beautiful Chinese hooker in hot pants, a New York lady-lawyer or two and a dishdash-fabulous chick applying yet more eye-liner with a confident hand, nattering away about each other’s shoes in equally badly pronounced English
2. Tourists who think they are going to get cut price diamonds and gold in the Gold Souk
3. The look of benign and avuncular sweetness bestowed by vendors on tourists who think they can buy cut price diamonds and gold in the Gold Souk
4. The two white mini-skirted women who generously entertain crowds with biting scratching hair-pulling fights outside the dodgy London underground themed bar in the Murooj Rotana Every. Single. Weekend. Rumoured to be considering a residency at Jumana, Oddity of the Desert
5. The annual selection of the year’s worst reviewed and most generic Hollywood Action flick to open DIFF. ‘This year, Electra II! Partially filmed in Sharjah!’